Raspberries

These things were so huge I couldn't help it!

And then I ate them all... a whole box of 'em.

Tummy happy

The Mulberry Tree

This is the tree I spent my whole life climbing.

When I was a little girl, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I would swiftly answer, “I wanna be a pet shop!” Yes, a pet shop. Obviously I didn’t want to be the building itself; I wanted to play with animals all day and when you’re 4 being a pet shop seems like the best way to accomplish that. When I was 12 and had to put down on paper where I saw myself in 10 years, I wrote “Riding my horse in the Olympics!” My sights certainly were set. But as I got older and really did “grow up” it was pretty clear that I was headed in neither of those directions. Not to say that it wasn’t possible or that I couldn’t if I still wanted to, but life isn’t a singular road stretching into the horizon.

When I was 5, my world was black and white; I thought of things in absolutes. I will always love my blankie. I will never do drugs. But as the years went by the gray areas grew. Five-year-old-me, who swore she would never touch a cigarette, turned 9 and when curiosity met opportunity took a drag from a lit menthol and immediately regretted it. When I was 13 I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life; I wanted to live on a big piece of open land and run my horse ranch. But gradually that dream faded into another which faded into another.

Last night I was thinking about how people have changed over time; how I’ve changed. I began to wonder what four-year-old-me would think if she were here now. What if she was sitting right next to me examining where her life was going? Would she be surprised that I’m still messy? Would she be happy that I love animals more than ever? Would she be sad that I wasn’t a pet shop or an Olympian? Am I the person she wanted to be? Or have I let her down.

There have been times in my life that I wish I had had four-year-old-me by my side. I feel like she would have kept me from making so many mistakes. And I think she would have told me to be more forgiving of myself for the ones I did make. She could have kept my paths a little more straight and reminded me of my core values- ones that she first adopted all those years ago. Although four-year-old-me isn’t literally by my side I think tonight, I have found her playing hide-and-seek inside my heart. She sits there having a tea party with Timon and Pumba and gently reminds me to not take life too seriously.

This may not have been the life I originally planned for myself, but it certainly is a beautiful one. Am I the person that I want to be? Yes and no. No because I want to better myself- I always want to be bettering myself. And yes for the exact same reason.

Ask yourself the same thing; are you the person you wanted yourself to be?

Lazy Sunday

Ever feel like this guy?

Addicted To the Shin Dig

I know this is my photography blog, and there are pictures I promise, but photography is not my only passion. I am absolutely obsessed with music. I call it my passion, even though I can't really create it...at least not well. ( Maybe that's why I married someone who is musically inclined.) Anyways, my love for music has been an interesting journey. I don't really remember much before I was 10 years old, and at that age all I knew of music was Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys and whoever else was featured on the first Totally Hits CD to be released. And I grew up listening to country but I don't remember there being anything else on the radio other than my favorite pop or country songs. One day I was going with my parents somewhere and brought my headphones along so I wouldn't have to listen to Bob Brinker, or whoever it was my dad listened to. We had a fancy new suburban that had the CD player in back, but although I had my headphones, I forgot to bring any of my Cd's. However, my brother had left his CD in the player and since it was better than talk radio, I listened. From that day I was profoundly changed. Never had any song moved me so deeply. It was like a great awakening; my ears had never heard such beautiful music. I listened over and over again- I think I had heard bits and pieces of these songs on the radio before but this time it was different. The rest of the world was blocked out; there was only me and that soulful voice filled with so much emotion. From that day on my world was changed. Sure it sounds dramatic, but it really does hold truth.

The songs that had such an effect? Otherside and Scar Tissue. The Red Hot Chili Peppers were addictive and Californication became a gateway drug into the world of rock and roll. This music was so different- it had depth, it had passion and emotion and was more than 5 guys doing choreographed routines. This music was something real.

My brother ended up letting me have that CD and I literally played it so many times that it would not play anymore. To this day the RHCP are my favorite band. Their music unlocked a whole new world to me. And in that world I found a lot of loves. But one guy stuck out in particular. I actually can't remember when or where I first heard Rocky Votolato- but I know his music is magical.

There are few songs that have ever moved me to tears. I actually can't even think of one at the moment other than Rocky Votolato's "Instrument". And putting that out there is a big step for me. One thing about me is that I'm selfish with music. When I connect with songs on a deep, personal level I don't ever want to share those with anyone. I guess I don't trust other people to understand how they make me feel or maybe I'm afraid it will make them feel the same thing I do... But today I am sharing. Why? I don't really have a good answer. I suppose for once I do want other's to get the same feeling from a song. I had the amazing opportunity to hear this live when Rocky Votolato played a small show at my parent's house. It was one of the best nights of my life. I don't personally have a video of the song, but here it is taken at a show he played. And since this is still a photography blog, further below are some pictures. Some by me and some not by me. So enjoy the photos and enjoy the song.  And if there have been any songs that moved you, please share!   Enjoy my friends!

AJ bought me a book put together by the Chili Pep's photographer, Tony Wolliscroft.  He has the best job ever!

RHCP

Some of my RHCP collection.

 Now that's what I call love.  I got this tattoo when I was 18? 19? 

 This was when RoVo played at my parent's house.  It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!  Rocky and his wife, April, are the nicest people you'll ever meet.  April even sent me a homemade postcard thanking us for hosting the show!

This was taken by Brian Patrick in studio. Wish I could've been there!

Find out more about Rocky Votolato here.

And here is a bonus video. 

The Olde Homestead

Today was a really good Monday for me.  Work went well.  I had a great dinner with mi familia.  I successfully spoke broken Spanish to a stranger.  And now I'm on here!!!  This past weekend I went over to my parents' place to wash my truck and borrow a few things.  I brought my camera along because it's always fun taking pictures there.  I either find something I never thought to photograph before or I take pictures of the back yard.  They have spent years making their backyard beautiful.  There are flowers everywhere, a secret hideaway, a garden, and a potting shed my dad built for my mom.  It really is amazingly gorgeous!  Here are some pictures I took out at their place.

This is actually inside.  There was amazing light coming through the window so of course I had to put something in it's beam!

My mom spotted this nest awhile back and noticed there were two tiny eggs inside.  A few weeks later these baby humming birds were just about bursting out of the nest.

Just some pretty flowers.

Some little ant sculpture out in the secret hideaway.

I was taking a picture of the big gray cat, Ali, when Moose decided to come out from the potting shed.  My dad used our old mailbox as a little cat door :)

That's it for now.  Hope everyone has a good week!!!

Moo Cow! Moo!

There is something about photography that I have always been drawn to. When I was little I loved to take pictures with my mom's camera, I would snap away at just about everything. In high school, I signed up for photography instead of Spanish. I still remember the first time in the dark room as I watched and waited while my photo slowly appeared on the paper being soaked in developer. I felt like a new world explorer finding unspoiled land for the first time. Before me were endless possibilities and limitless creativity. I was finally able to show others how I saw the world. The camera became an extension of my eyes; the dark room, my second home. There was nothing I wanted more than to shoot a roll of film and spend the rest of the day developing and printing my images. I loved it all- even the smell of chemicals on my hands that took days to wear off. I couldn't get enough of Henri Cartier-Bresson, Ansel Adams, Paul Strand, and my favorite, Rodney Smith. The first time I laid eyes on Smith's work, I knew this was something I wanted to pursue.

When I first started photography I was using a film camera that I had to check out from my school. When it was obvious that photography had really piqued my interest and spurred my creativity my parents bought me a Canon Rebel, my first SLR camera. I've taken thousands of pictures and have pages and pages and pages of negatives. Although I shoot digital now, I still keep all my negatives tucked away in a box, along with just about every print I've ever made. Digital has made things much easier and less time consuming (for the most part). But there is still something to be said for those of us that learned how to shoot without a screen on the back of a camera. We had to dodge and burn in a darkroom, spending hours upon hours until the print was just right. We had to use spot tone to fix scratches or dust specks- one mistake and you had to wash the print and start over.

I guess it's pretty obvious that I'm a film girl all the way. I think everyone pursuing photography should have to start out with film- it makes you appreciate the art so much more. At least I think so. :)

So what's the point of all this? Not sure. I mainly just wanted to post one of my favorite pictures that I found today hidden in a folder on my hard drive. Awhile ago I scanned in some old-school prints I had made, one of which is my favorite picture of all time. But, the negative is from 2006 and in crappy condition. The print was riddled with specks and scratches. So I spent some time on it today in Photoshop and restored it to it's former glory. It may look grainy, but that's because it was shot with film and that's how film pictures look.

This picture was taken when I went on a 2 week road trip all over the western half of the country. I don't remember for sure what state I was in at the time, I think it was Montana, but I stopped to take a picture of these cows. It's been over 4 years, but this is still my favorite photo I have ever taken. I didn't even notice the third cow until after I made an 8x10 print of it. If you can't see what I'm talking about, click on the picture and look at the black spot on the right- his head is poking out of the grass.

Here is the original:



And here is the restored:

Home

There are days when I am fighting mad at unjustices that seem to surround me. There are days when I cry with heartache because I feel like the only one on earth who isn't making it. There are days when I cry with overwhelming happiness because I know that I may not have everything but I have what's important: the love of God, my husband, family, and friends. And there are days like today where I look back at my entire life- from my childhood spent roaming the fields around my house and imagining all sorts of adventures to the months I spent in Colorado finding myself among the mountains and thunderstorms. It's hard to put myself back in the moments that defined me and feel the same emotions I did when they were happening. I can't feel the same excitment I did when my parents first brought home Lucky and Pumpkin, I can't feel the same heartbreak and emptiness I felt when a relationship fell to pieces and my trust in people was shattered. I can't feel the same terror and helplessness I felt when a horse came crashing down on me. But all those moments, those tiny slices of time became a part of me. They are the pieces to a bigger puzzle. When I look at each day by itself it doesn't seem to fit together, but when I start looking at the bigger picture that's forming- it finally makes sense. Everything in my past has lead me to where I am now. And where I am now is home. It has taken me a very long time to find it.

It was hard for me to seperate my idea of home from the house I grew up in. I thought that the moment it changed was when I moved back from Colorado and I felt like a guest in my own house. I couldn't understand what had changed while I was gone, but there was an emptiness- a piece was missing. The house that my memories surrounded no longer felt like home. And it's for the same reason that this tiny apartment with crazies for neighbors is my home as much as I can't wait to move out. In my first home I had all the love I needed- my family provided me uncoditional love that left my heart full. When I was out of state and realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with AJ was when I could never return to the same "home" again. That house that once was all I needed was suddenly lacking. I guess the saying is true- home is in fact where the heart is. My home and my heart is with AJ in this crappy little apartment that is bursting at the seams with love. Home is here, in our little corner of Carmichael. Home is in Wilton, where my parents have given and loved with all they have. Home is at my brother and sister-in-laws where I know I can be loved unconditionally. Home is love. And I love my home.

I love my oven mitt that hangs from the cupboard.

I love that I can't reach most of our dishes.

I love the bamboo that sits in the window.

I love drinking a really, really cold beer on a hot day.

I love having 5 different brews to choose from.

I love that we have 6 differnt gaming systems.

I love to play Super Mario Bros.

I love that AJ is so talented.

I love his drawings and sketches.

I love that he loves to draw comic book characters.

I love to have a busy looking fridge.

I love to leave AJ notes on the board.

I love it when he draws me pictures.

I love that our bookshelf is stacked full of books.

I love that our bookshelf has been falling apart since the day we put it together.

I love that drawing isn't AJ's only talent.

I love to listen to him play guitar.

I love that he is so passionate about art and music.

I love the music he writes on his own.

I love this picture frame.

I love this picture.

I love that I'm married to my best friend.

I love seeing this every time I walk in the door.