The Mulberry Tree

This is the tree I spent my whole life climbing.

When I was a little girl, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I would swiftly answer, “I wanna be a pet shop!” Yes, a pet shop. Obviously I didn’t want to be the building itself; I wanted to play with animals all day and when you’re 4 being a pet shop seems like the best way to accomplish that. When I was 12 and had to put down on paper where I saw myself in 10 years, I wrote “Riding my horse in the Olympics!” My sights certainly were set. But as I got older and really did “grow up” it was pretty clear that I was headed in neither of those directions. Not to say that it wasn’t possible or that I couldn’t if I still wanted to, but life isn’t a singular road stretching into the horizon.

When I was 5, my world was black and white; I thought of things in absolutes. I will always love my blankie. I will never do drugs. But as the years went by the gray areas grew. Five-year-old-me, who swore she would never touch a cigarette, turned 9 and when curiosity met opportunity took a drag from a lit menthol and immediately regretted it. When I was 13 I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life; I wanted to live on a big piece of open land and run my horse ranch. But gradually that dream faded into another which faded into another.

Last night I was thinking about how people have changed over time; how I’ve changed. I began to wonder what four-year-old-me would think if she were here now. What if she was sitting right next to me examining where her life was going? Would she be surprised that I’m still messy? Would she be happy that I love animals more than ever? Would she be sad that I wasn’t a pet shop or an Olympian? Am I the person she wanted to be? Or have I let her down.

There have been times in my life that I wish I had had four-year-old-me by my side. I feel like she would have kept me from making so many mistakes. And I think she would have told me to be more forgiving of myself for the ones I did make. She could have kept my paths a little more straight and reminded me of my core values- ones that she first adopted all those years ago. Although four-year-old-me isn’t literally by my side I think tonight, I have found her playing hide-and-seek inside my heart. She sits there having a tea party with Timon and Pumba and gently reminds me to not take life too seriously.

This may not have been the life I originally planned for myself, but it certainly is a beautiful one. Am I the person that I want to be? Yes and no. No because I want to better myself- I always want to be bettering myself. And yes for the exact same reason.

Ask yourself the same thing; are you the person you wanted yourself to be?